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These days, men spend all their time talking about….women! (Like that isn’t obvious enough) and of course sports and other random topics.

So, in going against the trend, we shall be talking solely about the REAL MAN (just kidding, how’s that going to be fun?) ; here-in referred to as a “BRO”, and the many rules guiding bro’s since the beginning of time as to how a bro must conduct himself amongst other bro’s and chicks too *insert lecherous grin here*.

It is a Bro’s solemn duty to always abide by the bro code in his quest for epicness, so before we proceed, raise your right hand and solemnly swear that you shall always uphold the requirements of the bro code and make amends for previous short-comings.

Although “the bro code” has been passed on from one generation of bro’s to another but for a long time; the bro code has not been codified in a single document. It is a document thought to have originated shortly after Judas betrayed Jesus and other bro’s decided that this un-bro-ly conduct could reflect badly on other bro’s.

So, here it is bro’s, the bro code…in no particular order;

“A bro does not choose his nickname; a nickname is bestowed upon you by your fellow bro’s, either as a punishment or a reward for epic deeds”. Do not attempt to change or complain about your nickname, be glad that your bro’s have extended their warmth in replacing your given name (which is most likely something boring) with something more embarrassing and befitting.

Thomas was “doubting Thomas”, Jesus even named Peter “the rock on whom I shall build my church” (Yes, Dwayne Johnson, we know you stole Peter’s nickname).

“When Bro’s go out to get drinks, all Bro’s must contribute to get the bill paid”. This is not the time to answer strange phone calls, not even the call of nature; when the waiter brings the bill, sit your ass down and chip in, like the real bro that you are. The only clause to this rule is if the bro’s have agreed beforehand that a single bro should handle the bill alone.

“A bro never tells his Bro’s main chick about his side chicks”. In this era where real men are scarce and loudmouths are everywhere, real Bro’s are reminded of this obligation; you should at all times convince your bro’s main chick that she is the only chick, kapish?

Selective amnesia is recommended in this situation; your bro is faithful to his main chick, the chick he was squeezing when you walked into the house the other day is a figment of your imagination (*brings out that nameless device from Men in Black*).

Additionally, this rule was created for unity and harmony among bro’s; “A bro’s bro is also your bro….if you do not like the said bro, it should only be mentioned when your bro’s bro has left”. In line with this, if your bro brings along his bro for drinks or to come watch a game, it is your duty to give your bro’s bro a sense of belonging.

No bitching about how your bro’s bro is sloppy or how his voice is as loud as a Pentecostal church’s loudspeaker. None of that pettiness, always maintain infinite patience with your bro’s bro.

“A bro’s girlfriend is perfect….until she dumps him”; your bro’s girlfriend is perfect, not a negative word shall be uttered about her out of respect for your bro. However, this rule becomes redundant when she dumps your bro! Once she becomes an ex, feel free to talk about her bow-legs, her “a-cup” boobs amongst other major flaws. Don’t also forget to mention that she was never good enough for your bro in the first place; of course, all of these comments must be unanimously agreed upon by all bro’s.

“A Bro must never shed tears”; (Except he receives a very hot slap from a MOPOL/Soldier/Lagos Conductor/Agbero) a bro must never be seen to shed tears, any and every happening must be borne with a straight face and all tears carefully dammed behind a bro’s eyes.

What shall bro’s be without love? Thus, the cardinal principle of Bro-ness is “Love your neigh-bro as yourself”. We live in a world of questioned sexuality so you know this “love” involves no physical contact whatsoever except a handshake, a slap on the back and the occasional “shoulder-bump” when you haven’t seen your bro in a long time.

“When hooking up with a group of chicks, one Bro must take one for the team and hook up with the ugly chick” (I don’t have to explain that there’s always an ugly girl in a group of girls, all bro’s know this) Real Bro’s must not be seen to be “hustling” over fine chicks, thus this rule, every bro must take one for the team once in a while. Amen? 😀

“When your bro’s girlfriend calls to ask where your bro is and why he’s not picking up his calls; YOU must always lie that he’s at your place….sleeping”. This is your unimpeachable duty as a bro, and then of course, you have to call your bro to get the scoop of where he really is and align your lies (bro’s shouldn’t get caught in a conflicting lie).

“When bro’s take a picture, at least two of them must keep a straight face”; none of that nonsense new age pouting or trying to look “cute”; you must look like a BRO and nothing less! Real Bro’s DO NOT smile in pictures or take “mirror pictures”; if you’ve ever taken a picture in the mirror with your iPhone5 and a cute smile on your face, you shouldn’t be reading this, you’re wife material already.

“Where a Bro knows he has no chance of scoring with a chick, he is obligated to refer the said chick to another Bro”; this rule has other sub-sections, “In the event that two Bro’s lock/clock on the same woman, the Bro who has been without a woman the longest is given the first shot (a shot that must be taken within 24 hours, before being passed on”.

Inevitably, bro’s must occasionally clock on the same chick (na only you like better thing?), Troy went to war over Helen (if only they had read the bro code).

“A bro shall not damage another bro’s chances to get laid; real bro’s do not cock-block!” In the event that your bro is telling lies just to score a chick, it is your duty as a bro to back his lies up. If he says he lives in Banana Island, you must remind him that he owns the entire Island, any lie your bro tells must be backed up by another bro (solely in the event of trying to score a chick).

Concerning your bro’s relations, your bro’s mom is always off-limits (forget that crappy movie “MILF”); additionally, a bro will not sleep with another bro’s sister. However, a bro is allowed to be vocal about her level of attractiveness. You will never be good enough for your bro’s sister, so do not attempt to sever the ties that bind bro’s by shagging his sister.

In conclusion, there is honour amongst bro’s, so another key rule in the Bro code is “A bro must honour his father, for he was once a bro”. No matter how much of a bro you are, an older bro laid the foundation of epicness by sizing up a worthy mate and gave birth to the epicness that is you! If you doubt your father’s prowess as a bro, stare at your mama. Enough said!

P:S This is by no means an exhaustive and all-encompassing version of the bro-code, just a random selection of the most interesting aspects of the bro code.